bad erotica

the fuhrer erotica

So last night i’m at the bar and I see this chick from across the way. Dark hair, heavily tattooed, you know the type. I’ve always wanted to nail one of these chicks, they just look like they’d be hella kinky, but these broads are always stuck up. So I down a couple Jagerbombs buy her a gin and tonic, and make my way over to her. She kind of gives me a dirty look and scoffs. Then she gives me a second glance, looking me up and down, like she is sizing me up. She apprehensively takes my drink and asks if it’s a “roofie colada”. I assure her it’s not and offer to take it back and buy her another one while she watches but before i finish my sentence she takes it and downs it. We start talking and we are actually hitting it off. She invites me back to her place and tells me she doesn’t want to ride on the back of my bulletbike (wow, am i that transparent?) and so i follow her there. We walk in and she pins me up against the wall and starts kissing me (which is really hot, by the way) and i grab her tits which are basically already out thanks to her low cut shirt. She’s kind of biting at my lip which is kind of hot and annoying at the same time and then she takes me into her room and i see it, a giant nazi flag. She pushes me on the bed and climbs on top of me and starts doing the lip biting thing again, then she starts kind of brushing my hair to the side with her fingers. She reaches into her bedside drawer while telling me “I want to do a little role playing.. are you into that?” and I say, sure baby, are we gonna play doctor? and she says “I had a little something different in mind” and she hands me what looks like half a mustache and tells me to put it on. I start seeing where this is going when she puts a hat on that looks like some sort of part of a uniform with a skull on it. She then tells me to pull out my “little dictator” She starts furiously sucking it while saying “ist das gut mein Führer?” and I’m like “yeah baby, whatever that means, don’t stop”. and she sits up and shakes her head in frustration. NO NO NO. I want you to yell “NEIN” So we try it again and she’s sucking it and again she says “ist das gut mein Führer?” and I moan “NEIN” and das ist so gut that I instantly release in her mouth. She tells me how she always wanted the master race inside her and she’s really starting to creep me out but she has really nice tits so i’m instantly hard again and we start going at it. She’s really into it and moaning “YES MEIN FUHRER!!” which is still creeping me out but she’s grabbing her tits while she’s saying it so I just keep going. She finally comes and at this point I am too weirded out by the whole thing to finish again, so I politely make up an excuse of why I have to get going and get the hell out of the nazi broads house as quick as possible. I stuck with slutty sorority chicks after that.

jesus juice erotica

I think about my neighbor Elizabeth all day. It consumes me. I think about pulling her sun dress up and sliding down her white panties and just going to town on her sweet virgin pussy. Sometimes at night I watch her say her prayers through my window. Elizabeth has strict Christian parents, but her body should be a sin. 15, perky tits, a supple ass, and I can only imagine what she has going on under those white panties. She may not even wear white panties, but in my virginal fantasies of her, she is always wearing white cotton panties. Sometimes they have flowers embroidered, sometimes they are just white and pure. You can only imagine my delight when her parents asked me to check in on her while they were out of town. I had it all planned out in my head.. I was going to go over there, bring some wine coolers, and act like the “cool older guy” and get her a little tipsy. Then maybe take her to my place to work on the harder stuff. She’d get drunk, she’d make bad decisions (like me) and I’d have my way with her. I thought about it the entire week before her parents left. I fantasized. I obsessed. Then finally, they were gone… and it was a waiting game. I was so nervous. What if she said no? What if she told her parents that I offered her alcohol? What if she called the cops!? But this was my only opportunity to fuck her. And I WAS going to fuck her. So it is 9pm and I head on over to check on Elizabeth, wine coolers in tow. I knock on her door and no joke i hear Leslie Gore’s “Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows” is blaring. I have my work cut out for me. I knock, and she answers wearing a white nightgown, and I am lucky I am wearing pants that conceal my raging hard on. I start to chicken out on my plan and am about to leave when she asks me what I have in my hand.. I panic and the first thing that comes out my mouth should be the thing that sends me straight to hell.. I say “juice”, and offer her one. She smiles and exclaims “OK!” and invites me in. She asks if i want to sit down and watch some TV with her and tells me that her sister is in bed, and she could use the company. “I get a little scared being here all by myself at this hour” so of course i oblige, and have a seat on the couch, where she, to my surprise, plops down right next to me, and starts sipping on her wine cooler..err… “juice”. She turns on the tv and CSI is on. She says “my parents don’t usually let me watch this kind of stuff” and I grin and tell her “well your secret is safe with me!” and she grabs my leg and says “thanks Mr. Powell”. We are sitting there in silence watching CSI (I hate this show, btw) and she asks for another “juice”, which i give to her, and again I start speculating how this is going to go down. When i come to from my daydream I am so confused as to what’s going on and if i’m still daydreaming because it looks to me like Elizabeth is touching herself under her white nightgown. It takes her a while to notice me watching and then she sees me and at first she keeps going, then she suddenly jerks her hand out of her panties (they are pink, not white). And apologizes saying she “feels funny”. I excuse myself to the bathroom and try to compose myself. I’m too shocked, dumbfounded to know what to do at this point. When i come out of the bathroom I am shocked to see she has downed another “juice” and is now only wearing her pink panties. She motions for me to follow her and we end up in what i imagine is her bedroom. She gets on her bed and asks me what i want her to do..  I tell her to start touching herself again. Starting with her perky tits then down her pink panties. I tell her to take them off. I no longer can take her teasing, so I pounce on her and start kissing her sweet little mouth and rubbing her perky tits. And she somehow switches it around to where she’s on top of me, ripping my clothes off. She starts biting me and I am a little weirded out but i just go with it. Then she mounts me and starts riding me. She’s not as tight as I’d imagined but she’s still tight, and she fucks like a beast so I go with it. She’s grabbing her tits and she screams “I’m little red riding hood” and then she cums, convulsing… then reaches up and grabs something that looks like a doll.. and says “this is for watching me, and for trying to get my drunk you creepy old fuck”, and bashes me over the head with it. I wake up and find that I can’t move and look around the room.. I didn’t notice earlier in my excitement, but there are porcelain dolls all over the room. on every surface, shelves full of them. It feels like they are all staring at my vulnerable, naked body. I hear some noise and I see Elizabeth and her little sister Gwen pointing and laughing at me. I scream at her “untie me you little bitch!” and she just sits there laughing. She comes up to me and whispers in my ear “I am going to skin you alive you mother fucker. I am going to make you pay so that you never look at another little girl the way you looked at me”. Then she motions at Gwen to shoo. She picks up something off the floor (which I am assuming is the weapon she used to knock me out with) and she sticks it in my face. “See what you did to Jenny, you fucking pervert!” and shows me the doll’s broken face. She then breaks off a piece of the glass and proceeds to cut my arms and chest with it. She seems very methodical in her cutting then she hears Gwen crying in the other room and lets out a deep sigh, then says “don’t move” then giggles and scampers off, leaving the piece of glass on my chest. This could be my only chance to get out of there alive so I start wriggling around, maneuvering my body trying to get that glass in my hand so that I can cut myself free and get the hell out of there. By some grace of god I succeed in my task, and cut myself free and I just run home, naked, and thankful to be alive. I shut all my curtains and lock all my doors and just keep to myself for the next few days. I hear Elizabeth and Gwen outside laughing and playing but I just turn up the tv and try to block out the sound. A few weeks later the police show up at my door and as I look through the peephole I think, “YES! Someone must have seen what happened and alerted the police” and am shocked as they arrest me when I open the door. Apparently Elizabeth has told her parents I raped her. And the odds are not in my favor. My semen was inside her. My fingerprints were on the broken glass on the doll and on the rope. And there’s cuts all over me making it look like she struggled. I’m writing this story from prison, where I will be for the next 15-20 years. Some of the stares I get from my cell mate reminds me of the way I would look at Elizabeth. 

-Riff Randall

grandma erotica

I stumbled into the bar, covered in mud and missing one boot. Everybody in there looked at me like I was a monkey escaped from the zoo. Almost! The night had started with drinks at Jim’s house. As we got more & more loaded, Jim started suggesting inappropriate pairings for each of us: “I’ll fuck your dog, and you can do my wife.” “I’ll jack off into your goldfish bowl, and you can put a carrot up your ass, which we’ll cook & eat with the hot dogs.”If you jerk me off, using that sandpaper like a glove, I’ll wack you off with my foot.” Finally we arrived at: “If you fuck a monkey at the zoo - I have keys, I’ll do your grandmother & make her cum. Twice.” How could I resist THAT kind of temptation? It would be satisfying for me (perhaps less so for the monkey), it would be a dream come true for my 94 year old granny, and it would probably be good for Jim, too, since he suggested it.

My grandmother lived in the apartment above the garage, so we traipsed over there, passing a couple cans of Four Loko back & forth between Jim & myself. Why did my folks move granny into the apartment above the garage? “Oh yeah,” I remembered as we climbed the ladder, “it’s ‘cause she needs to be as far away from the house as we can keep her.” Yep, ol’ granny had a bit of a flatulence problem. Okay, more than a bit of flatulence problem… we had to tack up signs around the garage “DON’T SMOKE AROUND HERE!” and “PLEASE DON’T LIGHT A MATCH! and “I SAID DON’T FUCKIN PLAY WITH MATCHES!” aaaaaand “DO NOT IDLE YOUR CAR HERE!!” Our rationale? If anyone even tossed a match into the vicinity after lighting up while passing by on the sidewalk, granny’s rank cloud of methane madness would probably ignite & send the neighborhood into kingdom come. Thus, Jim had his work cut out for him, no matter how drunk on Four Loko the poor bastard might be.

Luckily (considering the element of surprise), granny was heavily medicated. Unfortunately (given the difficulty of achieving orgasm on Celexa, Proloft, Zaxil or Molexipro by themselves, but granny was on all of the above!), granny was heavily medicated. While I sat nodding off just barely out of sight, poor Jim worked on granny. First by fuckin’… and when that was over (the unlucky bastard had to tie the following around his mouth and nose, to avoid the odors: a bandana soaked in paint from the garage over a dry bandana), he came a couple times and we had to come up with a surrogate dong, so I went back to the kitchen, found an English cucumber that we were planning on (and may still) slicing up for dinner the following evening, and used duct tape to construct a strap-on cucumber/dildo thing, that Jim could use to penetrate granny, over and over, until she finally woke up enough to sense what was going on. When her screeches of astonishment died down, and she started getting into the rhythm Jim was puttin’ forth, I believe she did bust a nut. Twice. What the fuck ever!

So then it was my turn. Jim tore off the paint-soaked rags, put his pants back on, and we climbed down the ladder, returning the (now very bruised) cucumber to the kitchen and gearing up for the next part of our mission. Jim had worked out in the monkey cages of the zoo earlier in the summer, and hadn’t returned his set of keys to the zookeeper. “They made me shovel up monkey dung for two months, and now they owe me this!” I tried inching away from Jim, who was several more sheets to the wind, into his 4th can of watermelon Four Loko and now screaming at the cars passing us one after the other on the highway out to the zoo. We were barely moving, clocking 30 miles per hour in Jim’s dad’s garbage truck, the only vehicle we could find keys to in either of our households. Finally, we made the turn & climbed the hill up to the zoo. It was 1:45 am, and I’d be starting my job shortly.

The zoo was deserted. Elephants? Sleepin’! Bird exhibit? Silent! Hyena (and other African creatures) cage? Zzzzzz! And then, off to the monkey cage. So quiet. So early in the morning. So stinky! There were 17 monkeys in the cage, and the largest female monkey was snoring, sleeping with her monkey butt up in the air. “The quicker the better,” I thought, and Jim supported this assertion by whipping out his cellphone with video camera capabilities, behind my back, as I was unceremoniously tossin’ my trousers over my shoulder, wang in one hand, pants in the other. I wanted to make it quick so there would be as little evidence as possible. Did you know that female monkeys have gigantic, gaping pink snatches, which ooze a gelatinious fluid constantly? Apparently, they’ve evolved to a point where they are readily available for insemination, whatever else is going on be damned. So I approached the biggest female monkey, who was ass-in-air debonaire, and when she looked at me cockeyed, I almost think the gave me a wink! Who am I kidding? This monkey was a zoo-bound creature, lucky to have escaped the lab out at the medical student hospital just around the bend, and would be shortly receiving a monkey/human fuckin’ the likes of which it had (hopefully!) never known.

Then… the zookeeper’s truck came around the corner, with the zookeeper waving his fist, screaming at us to “get the hell out, or get a face fulla box-cutter!” We were in no position to decline this request. However, Jim was thoroughly bombed on paint fumes, and couldn’t move. I threw the only boot I could find onto one foot (the wrong foot, I might add) and rolled down the hill toward town through the mud. When I got to the Goose Hollow Tavern, I tucked my dong into my filthy, muddy, wrecked pantaloons, I brushed my toupee over my forehead, and prepared for the worst.

Opening the door, after everyone stared dumbfounded for 30 seconds, I was startled to hear the entire bar break into a chorus of “Happy Birthday, you cretin” en Español! How did they know I was turning 16 tonight?

-Chartreuse Jacqula

shrimp taco erotica.

I had an interesting conversation tonight with some gay guys at dinner. There we all were just chatting about regular stuff, art, design, business. So then by the time the shrimp tacos arrive along with the second round of margaritas the topic of sex comes up and they let me know if I ever find a woman who knows how to reach my prostate with her fingers I should never let her go. So I say, yeah I don’t know guys that’s really an exit only. Then of course I get they have to talk me into trying new experiences and they say, “Just start the process slowly, like with a spoon.” I still haven’t wrapped my mind around the mechanics of this idea, but it sounds promising. 

-Edmund Fry

big top erotica

It can get pretty lonely on the road. Traveling all the time. State to state. Fair to fair. Sure there are plenty women all over the country, getting on these rides i can talk to. But once the line is over and it’s their turn to get on the ferris wheel, well, they pretty much lose interest. The loneliness was starting to take it’s toll when i went out to have some drinks with some co-workers one night. We hit up some local dive called the “Clam Digger”. I think a lot of us really needed to take the edge off. People don’t realize how stressful running a carnival truely is. It was me, Bruno, Beatrice, and a couple of the new guys who have been running the games, I believe their names are James, and Brian. Well we are having some beers  and having a great time. Now Beatrice is not my type, mind you, but there is something about her tonight. Her dress is clinging to her curves in just the right way, she’s charming, she’s been ON all night. I don’t think I have stopped laughing. I don’t know if it’s the beers, or if the road is getting to me, but I am seriously considering taking her back to her trailer tonight. In the middle of my thought process, some local A-HOLES decide to come up to our table and start picking on Beatrice. Calling her a dyke, a man, a freak, and tugging on her beard, and asking if it’s fake. I get up and tell them to get the hell out of here before I knock their block off! The kids take off, and Beatrice is absolutely shaken up. I buy her a couple of beers and later in the evening once things have calmed down, she asks if there is any way for her to “repay me” for my kindness. I told her I could think of a few things, but they were pretty inappropriate. She winked and bid the guys farewell for us. We went back to her trailer, where we had a couple more drinks. She leans over and kisses me. Her beard tickles my face, and her mouth is sweet, and tastes like whiskey. It’s all so exciting to me, I can’t contain myself. I throw her on the bed and she almost lands on her cat, Rufio, who scampers off. I rip her dress off. I feel her breasts, I touch her sweet pussy. I stroke her beard. It’s all too much. I thrust myself inside her and just start pumping away. I’m going wild! she’s kissing me passionately, her hands grasping at my ass, her beard sometimes getting caught in my mouth. I pull out and blast my load all over her lovely body. Some of it goes in her beard. I never knew a bearded woman would be such a turn on for me, but it was by far the best sexual experience of my life, and one I will not soon forget. 

-Riff Randall

the bachelorette party

Let’s all be honest.. I haven’t been out, or got laid, in quite some time. I’m a 42 year old woman who works for an advertising firm. I work a lot. It makes me tired. Plus, my cats require a lot of attention, not to mention the fact that I may, or may not, play A LOT of “Farmville”. But since one of my best friends is getting married, I am forced to go to her bachelorette party, instead of tending to my imaginary crops. So out we go, to a club that we are most likely too old to get into, but somehow, magically, they let us in. Then it’s time for drinks, and dancing, and hearing Brittney talk about how great her fiance Brad is. As I’m downing drink after drink to make up for.. one: Brittney’s incessant gushing, and two: the fact that I know some of my plants are dying right now, and three: the fact that I actually give a shit about something so ridiculous. So now that I have 3 long islands under my belt, and they are playing some remix of some song from the 80’s I used to love, it’s finally time to hit the dance floor. I find myself actually starting to enjoy myself and notice that there are tons of young attractive men there. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to look, right? Then I start to notice one, looking at me. I look down to see if I have toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or the dreaded nip slip, or my skirt tucked into my underwear. Why else would a handsome 20 something year old be staring at me? Then the strangest thing happened, he came up and started dancing with me. I looked behind him, to see if there were any signs of a practical joke. Nothing. Just people dancing, having a good time. While my paranoia is taking place, Jacob introduces himself. Jacob is 24, is working on his masters, is an intern at his father’s law firm, and is insanely gorgeous. I am trying to keep myself composed, while baffled, a little more than slightly drunk, and also swooning. After some time of shamelessly flirting with young Jacob, I remembered why i was at this place to begin with, and went to find Brittney. Jacob insisted on coming with me (weird, right?). So off we went to find her.. When we did, she was beyond trashed, and letting some seedy looking business man buy her drinks. Brad was somehow no longer her main topic of conversation, and she was laughing at everything this guy said. I politely asked Jacob to help me lure her away from this creep, so that i could get her home safely. He insisted on coming with us, so I obliged, and off we went in a cab. After we dropped off a very intoxicated Brittney, it was just me and little Jacob. I let him do most of the talking since I doubt that he was interested in my fake crops, or my boring career, or my cat. And that was all I really had to talk about. So I stuck to listening attentively to him, laughing at all his jokes, and randomly touching his leg. He asked to come to my apartment, and had I not been still tipsy, and had he not been so attractive, I probably would have said no. But what the hell, I haven’t had sex in quite some time, and, well, he’s hot. So we get back to my place, and I pour us a couple glasses of wine. We are sitting on my leather couch and he is playing with my hair, then i see in the reflection of one of my pictures, that behind me, my laptop is open, and right on the screen is “Farmville”. I try to be sly and get up to pour myself some more wine, and close the screen of my laptop. He totally sees me, and has a sort of look on his face like “I see what you did there” and a cross between embarrassment and also slightly amused. So I come back and try to save the mood by grazing his arm with my breast when I sat back down. It worked. He was slightly distracted and I knew I had his attention so I went in for a kiss hoping to god he wouldn’t reject me (and hey, if he did, it was my apartment, so I could always just make him leave), but it went over well, and quickly turned into a pretty heavy make out session. Since my leather couch was rather pricey, I moved it into the bedroom before it could get soiled with any bodily fluids. On our way to the bedroom, I felt something wet underneath my foot, and couldn’t help but look. Upon further inspection, I realized that Azrael had left me a nice little hairball, and I excused myself to the restroom to wash off my foot. Strike two. Once I had washed off my foot, I remembered another very humiliating thing: I was wearing what you might call “control tops” or “a gurdle”. I also remembered one very important, and life saving fact. That i had hidden the lingere that my ex bought me under the sink, so i wouldn’t have to look at it, and be reminded of that asshole. To try to save the situation, yet again, I took off my Spanx, and put on said lingere. Walked out of the bathroom, somewhat surprised that: not only was he still there, he had taken most of his clothes off. So we finally got down to business. It was absolutely amazing, like.. fireworks going off in my brain amazing! And after as we were laying there, he turned to me and said “I always wanted to fuck a cougar”. That is when i completely sobered up, excused myself to get up and get a glass of water, completely disgusted, and composed myself. When back in the bedroom I made up an excuse about having a really early conference call, and having to work on my power point presentation for the next day. He got up and left, left me his number. Needless to say, I never called Jacob. I also never gave a younger male who looked at me a second glance again.

-Riff Randall

amputee erotica

I did a stripper last night her name was Tinkerbell. She goes by that because she is missing a leg and they have to carry her around the club like she is flying. it was weird boning a one legged chick. At one point she was riding me and I was holding onto her ass and then I went to rub her legs and on one side was just this stump and so I touched it, I just had to I was curious and I guess there are a bunch of nerves in there and she started giggling and then got the hiccups, so each time she would pump me she would hiccup and then say “oh Daddy” It actually started to make me feel ill. but I think I would do it again.

-Gladamire Holdenbox

all together ooky erotica (halloween edition)

Last night my brother Gomez and I went out for a few drinks. I came home pretty drunk, and lonely and Miss Transylvania Monthly just wasn’t doing it for me. Then I was struck with an idea that I don’t know why I didn’t think of sooner. My own special version of “the stranger” if you will. I went downstairs, grabbed Thing’s box, and fashioned a hole in it. Kind of like a glory hole. Well.. as you could imagine what happened next, I placed “myself” inside it. I wasn’t sure how Thing would react at first.. I felt him touch me like a blind person trying to recognize someone’s face. Then… He knew exactly what to do. He gripped my shaft tight, and started rubbing up and down. He focused on the head a lot, like any good hand job giver does, and then, as he popped his lid open, just as I climaxed, I expect this was because he didn’t want a mess in his home. Which is understandable. Then as I laid down, tired and satisfied, he rubbed my bald head until i fell asleep.

-Fester Adams

in the air tonight erotica

last night as i was crying and masturbating while listening to phil collins, i thought to myself, could my life get any worse? just after i took the rag soaked in chloroform off my face, i passed out, and when i awoke, i realized that my computer monitor was turned off. when i turned it on to look at some crappy internet porn, i realized i left my ichat open. and my mom and dad im’ed me. they saw the whole thing. and they were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. just then, my dad turned to my mom and said “you owe me 5 bucks”.

-Riff Randall

jack-mormon erotica

Bored and lonely one night I get on myspace and find a blonde girl with the caption “Wanna be my lover” so I start chatting with her and convince to come over to my place. I didn’t feel like driving. So she comes to the door and it much heavier then her pics, but I thought, hey I’m not so great. So we chat on the couch for bit and she asks me all the basics: what I do and how many siblings i have. I ask her similar questions and then pretend to care about the answers. I figure well her face isn’t bad, I’ll go for it. I cuddle close and touch her lightly on her hips and turn to face her. Then I go in for a kiss and pull back a little to see a reaction. She smiles as if its special or whatever. I pretend that is the most special first kiss I’ve ever had. Then we start making out for about five minutes or whatever. Yeah I was watching the clock on the VCR. I can tell by this point she is comfortable with me so I get up and take her hand and tell her I wanna show you something. I lead her into the bedroom and show her a massage oil I mixed myself. Which is cooking oil and some of that over-rated essential oil. Its about the cheapest way to massage someone. She loves it. Somehow I got lucky and she just happened to like lavender. I think to myself, “whatever, just take off your shirt and bra”. Then I tell her to, and she lays down. I figure, why not give her a little treat, I’m a nice guy I guess. So I give her a massage with the oil for a couple minuets and then I hear her say “You should give me a foot massage.” So I say, umm… yeah, I’m not really into feet. So she says “No!, a front massage”. Of course now I’m pretty embarrassed to I just say “Oh right, sure that sounds nice”. So she turns over and there before me is about the best set if tits I’ve seen in a long time with perfect pink nipples so I’m a little excited about that. so I get a little carried away with the oil and dump a little too much and start spreading it over her. I start to kiss and suck on her tit and work my down to her pussy. She beats me too it by starting to bang herself, so I think “well, I didn’t want to do it anyway”. So I’m naked and on top of her with a hard on but at the same time I’m thinking. “What the fuck is that smell?” there is no way I’m sticking my dick in this bitch. So I climb up and her tits which are conveniently lubed already and figure this will make me cum and then she can leave and I can get to sleep. So time goes on and I just can’t cum. And I’m thinking “this sucks! why can I not get turned on enough to cum?” I just wanna be done. So I notice a copy of Metropolitan home and read and open up to a page about a remodel on a loft in New Yorks. Soho district and I end up getting so excited I blow it all on her neck in her hair and even a little gets on her ear. I’m so exhausted at this point. I just lay down and say ” You know the way out?”

-Gladamire Holdenbox